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A Mother’s Regret

Here’s what I remember best:

His small hand reaching up for mine in the bright sunshine.  The scent of the baby sweat in his bright blond hair.  His trusting eyes looking at me like I am the most important thing his universe will ever offer.  His willingness to be my best friend and cohort.

Littlest little

I blew it.  I did that.

This is about my regrets as a mother.  Not Life Regrets, because what came after prepped me for both homeschooling and blogging (and gave me the best friend I’ve ever had), and I’m not sad about that part of it.  What breaks my heart when I think of it is how he grew away from me.  And continues to do so.  Littlest was my baby, and even though at different times his older brothers had been the same, he was my Last Baby, and I wish I had been able to pay more attention.  See, I was a SAHM when we first moved to the farm.  And we were giddily happy.  But one week I saw an ad in the paper for a part-time children’s librarian at the local library.  And it was my dream job.  So after discussing it with Martin, I applied for it.  I figured, what, 20 hours a week is a part-time job, and it wouldn’t take me away from my only baby too much but would satisfy my need to contribute to my community.  And, let’s face it, get out of the house for a minute and do something For Me.  I got the call for the interview with the library board.  I went to the interview.  I knew the interview was going extremely well.  Then they told me the job was for 32 hours a week.  Mm hmm.  I know why companies do That.  So, since I didn’t Need the job, I was honest with them.  I told them I couldn’t take a job with that many hours because I had a little one at home; that I was under the impression it was part-time job and I couldn’t accept it.  Imagine my shock when they called me the next day and asked if two of the board members could meet with me at my house.  I agreed to do so.  They came over, offered to hire in another person to work 8 of my hours, and let me bring Littlest to work with me 1 day a week.  What an offer!  I was so flattered.  They must have Really Wanted me to go to those lengths.  I did not consider that the job was still going to take me away from my Littlest for a lot of hours.  I accepted.

Working in that library was wonderful.  I got to know the people in my rural area, met a lot of homeschoolers, and met my best friend (who happened to be the woman they hired along with me).  But I have to admit, I got so caught up in having a life of my own I forgot the reasons I originally turned down the job.  A lot of work and a lot of politics went into that job, and it took my focus.  Away from my baby.  Less and less did he reach for my hand.  He stayed with a wonderful homeschool family while I was working, and I’m truly glad he got that experience.  His dad drove him to his little league games and practices while I was working evenings and Saturdays.  He began to depend on other people.  I kept telling myself I had plenty of time to make it up to him.  I didn’t.

We never do.

Littles with their daddy

Littles with their daddy

I only worked three days a week.  But the schedule was basically 10-6 all 3 days.  I was missing most of his day for 3 days every week.  Then I went back to school because it occurred to me that I loved working with kids so much I could be a school librarian and reach them even better.  So for the 4 days I wasn’t working, I was dealing with online classes, not my Little.  I thought I was doing it for him.  I was wrong.

Not all mothers feel that way.  Some mothers have that same experience and at the end are proud of what they’ve accomplished, what they’ve done for their kids.  Thing is, after a year of working in the public school system, I was completely disillusioned by it and had no desire to continue on.  So now I look back on those years when Littlest still needed me and I wasn’t there as a huge mistake.  Because he’s still closer to his dad than he is to me.  And I’m under no illusions that when these boys all grow up and find mates I will be as important to them as I am now.  And I’m not as important now as I was then.  Since I made the plunge to homeschool, I have tried to re-establish that early relationship with Littlest, but I feel like I am the one constantly chasing him for attention now.  I have never told him I feel this way, and I doubt I ever will.  But it breaks my heart every single day.  I would give quite a bit to see that little hand reaching for me in the sunlight again.

The other thing I remember well is my excitement when Big was accepted at IU.  In fact, I was so excited that I may not have been paying attention to His Reaction.  I imagined his world broadening while he stayed in his dorm–the friends he would make, the responsibilities he would take, the Life that would blow Wide Open.  What I did not imagine was how much he would hate it.  How lonely he would be.  How his innate shyness would prevent him from making a ton of friends.  How homesick he would be, every day, for the entire year he was there.

Big 2He came home for the weekend often.  Usually he left again with a hug and a sad smile.  But there was one time he came home for a couple of days with his girlfriend of the moment.  As they were pulling out of the driveway (me crying on the front porch.  I always did), he turned to me from the passenger seat, and He Was Bawling.  It tore my heart out.  Right in front of his girlfriend, no shame, no hiding it.  My beautiful son was crying harder than I was.  I wanted to run after the car, tell them to stop, tell him he didn’t have to go.  But he was halfway through a semester, and that would ruin both his college career and his scholarship.  So I gave him a bright smile and waved and let him leave.

Ugh.  Being a mother is hard.  It is equally joyful and heartrending.  As his mommy, with no other consequences but proving I love him more than the moon loves the stars, I should have stopped him.  I should not have made him go back.  The look on his face is etched on my brain and I recall it occasionally for no reason at all and cry Every Time.  I don’t think there’s a lot worse in the world than seeing your grown son cry like he did when he was a baby.  I’ve only seen him cry like that one other time, and I’ll never forgive the person who caused it.  So how can I forgive myself for encouraging him to go away to college and being the cause of that sob session?

Big

I can’t.

As mothers, we all have those moments, big and small, that tear us to shreds forever.  That one thing we shouldn’t have said, that other thing we shouldn’t have done.  I have a lot more than these two examples–I am human and I make mistakes.  But I don’t regret most of my mistakes as much as I do those I make as a mother.  I want to be perfect for all of my boys.  I want them to know only love and compassion and laughter.  I want to protect them from the dark, from the bad guys, from the heartbreak.  When I act in a way that is opposite of that wish, I want to don a hair shirt and self-flagellate because nothing is more important in the multiverse than my boys’ smiles.  So even though I make those mistakes, I keep trying and learning and hoping I can be better for them.

Because if I have to have regrets as a mother, I want them to be as few as possible.  For the boys’ sakes, not my own.

Now, I think you’ll forgive me if I go ask Littlest to play a game of Sorry. Yeah, I’m noting the irony.

Love wins,

KT

 

 

 

The 12 Posts of Lit Mama-Wrapping Up 2015

I have had a fantastic year with you, my lovely readers.  So much has happened, and so many wonderful friendships have been made, and my muses (Big, Middle, and Littlest) keep growing so that it is hard for me to continue calling them Littles.  When you’re youngest is looking at 11, they aren’t so little anymore.  In fact, no one asked for toys this Christmas.  I had a hard month, not just figuring out what on Earth to put in their stockings, but dealing with the fact that I’ll never have my own Little running around the house ever again.  Hard times, indeed.  But watching them stretch toward being young men is its own reward, so I’m ready to settle into this new phase and enjoy it before it blinks by, too.

Lit Mama 2015

Writing this blog has been a blessing for me.  I am nothing if not a mother, a writer, a teacher.  Getting to share my ideas and regrets, my joys and my pitfalls, with so many wonderful people has been an outlet I cherish and hope to continue to cherish for years to come.  Some of you may be new to the Lit Mama Homeschool (in fact, if this is your first visit, let me welcome you with open arms), and you may have missed some of the more popular posts from 2015.  Some of you may have been too busy to catch some of the good stuff.  So here are the 12 best Fires I Started When You Weren’t Looking from the past year.  I hope you enjoy them. (I think you’re still able to comment on them, too, so feel free to do so if you have something interesting to add!)

January-Clipart-Free-3

January

If you’re anything like me, you know that January is a busy time for homeschooling.  Sometimes we’re vamping up the schedule. Sometimes we’re starting over.  Sometimes we are just knee-deep in it and trucking along.  Whatever the case, it’s busy.  My January post How Do You Homeschool? covers most of that, along with scheduling and my own struggles with homeschool-envy… Yeah, I have that!

02-februaryFebrurary

February is the Love Month, right?  But this past February I ran into an old acquaintance and the experience was, well… Awkward?  Uncomfortable?  Mildly enraging?  A teachable moment for the Lit Mama.  Anything but love!  Read all about it in What to Do When.  And take the advice at the end… it’s better for all of us. 🙂

march-bannerMarch

March is the time, around here, when we start poking our heads out from under the covers and shaking off the long winter sleep.  Last March was no exception for us. Take a look at Marvelous Meandering Homeschool.  The post was wildly popular because it’s about all the amazingly good reasons we homeschool and might just remind you why you do it, too.  Or convince you to give it a try.

month-of-april-rainApril

April means it’s time to fish here in Indiana, which means a whole new set of learning experiences for the boys.  Read about them in Lessons from Dad, which might also give you a little clue as to just how in love with my husband I really am.  (It’s a lot.  Like, high-school-crush-come-true big.  I’m a ridiculous puddle around him.  But then, he deserves that kind of love.)

month-of-may-doodleMay

Ever wondered why I sign all my posts ‘Love wins?’  There are really good reasons for it, and I tell you all about them in May’s post Love wins.  Plus, if you really want to get to know me, that post is all kinds of insightful about the Lit Mama.  I mean, I guess I could just admit to being a big geek right here, but it’s not quite the same!

june-summer-month

June

Another insight into life for the Lit Mama appears in June’s post This Crazy Cool Country Life.  I was city-born and -raised, so I’m kind of a newbie country girl.  But that just means I get to appreciate it more.  This post is a tour around our farm and lists all the reasons it’s great for homeschooling.  Enjoy the pics!

julyJuly

We have had a Very Rainy year this year here in Indiana.  In fact, while snow is usually a threat this time of year, we have had an unusually warm December and it has rained since Christmas Eve (almost nonstop), and our rivers are once more flooded along with our yards and fields.  July was like that for almost the Whole Month.  So I posted 11 Awesome Activities to Do in the Rain.  They are summer suggestions.  But I dunno, I may have to come up with some winter activities.  Number One:  Be grateful it’s warm and this isn’t 6 feet of snow.

augustAugust

One of the absolute most popular posts on this blog Ever, let alone in 2015, was Easy Peasy Homeschool P.E.  It has some great, fun suggestions for incorporating physical activity into your homeschool day.  Sometimes it’s hard to come up with things on our own, so read this post if you’re struggling with how to get your littles active.  (My littles who are now big tend to groan these days when I break out the dice–but they know better than to refuse to play!)

septemberSeptember

Another wildly popular Lit Mama Post was September’s Make the Coolest Solar System Model Ever.  We’ve had this model hanging in our classroom for years, and it really is incredible.  We added each planet to the model as we studied it, so the Littles have no problem remembering which planet is where.  If you want to have a lasting solar system model that your littles will continue to use, check out the post.  And let me know how your own models turn out!

october-scene-1073534October

For more about my personal journey, check out October’s post, Homeschooling with Hypothyroidism.  And once you’ve read that, come back here and read that since I wrote that post I HAVE LOST 25 POUNDS.  I am super stoked about this, and intend to share that journey with you, too.  Once I’ve lost a bit more.  So I can really wow you with my unprecedented success.month-november-autumnNovember

In November, I posted about reading Dickens for Christmas.  The post has a lot of great ideas about guiding your little homeschoolers through classic novels.  Plus, it gives you a little insight into my Dickens obsession.  Well, a little more insight.  I tend to write about it A Lot.

decemberDecember

It’s been a slow month for Lit Mama posts.  December usually is.  It’s such a busy time of year for all of us, right?    I honestly didn’t have much to choose from this month.  I hope I’ve not let you, my beautiful readers, down too much, but you should know by now that my kids always come first, before Anything and Everything, and December is a month for them.  I hope you forgive me.  Even so, I wrote this post about Composer Charts that might give you an idea for studying composers or any lesson in your homeschool.

If you’re looking for great craft ideas, free worksheets, recipes, or other ways to make reading fun, check out my Story Time category.  I promise to fill the next year with more Story Times so you can enjoy reading with your littles.

I am so grateful to you for the year I’ve had as the Lit Mama.  May 2016 be blessed for all of us.  May your struggles be few, your joys be many, and your journey as bright and sunny as can be.  May you remember, in the coming year and always,

Love wins,

KT

Exciting News! (December Field Trips for Homeschool)

As you know, this December we are studying composers here at the Lit Mama Homeschool.  Bach, Beethoven, Mozart, Vivaldi…. Tchaikovsky.

Look! Paper snowflakes and salt dough ornaments!

Look! Paper snowflakes and salt dough ornaments!

Oh. Yeah.  Seeing where I’m going with this?

nutcracker- louisville ballet

Because I didn’t.

But my beautiful husband did.  And he surprised us with tickets to the Louisville Ballet’s Nutcracker performance.  So we are going to be studying Tchaikovsky all week, then going to see his music played by an orchestra while a truly stupendous ballet troupe truly stupefies us.

I am in heaven right now.  The Littles are so excited, too.  They can’t wait to see the orchestra, and hear what it sounds like when it’s not a recording.  And even though they’re 10 and 13 year old boys, they are not cringing at the idea of a ballet.  That’s ’cause their mama raised them right!

The_Nutcracker

Martin is so good at romantic surprises for me, but this little field trip is beyond even his usual norm.  To know I would be thrilled to take the boys is a special Martin thing–he sees and hears everything, even when I’m not saying it aloud.  I’m spoiled.  It’s pretty awesome.

louisville ballet

We are, indeed, going to count the excursion as a field trip.  The Littles have already informed me it means an extra day of Christmas break (Ah! Maybe That’s why they don’t mind the ballet!).  If you homeschool, there are so many field trips you could take this month.  Go to a Christmas tree farm and make a day of picking your tree, singing carols, and drinking cocoa.  So many of our local high schools are doing great plays–The Sound of Music, A Christmas Story, The Grinch–for a couple of bucks, you can take your kids to a play and support other local kids.  Littles won’t be able to tell the difference between the very adequate sets of a high school play and the more elaborate sets of a theater.  Or heck, take them to the theater.  We saw A Christmas Story at Louisville’s Actor’s Theater a couple years ago and it was A. Maz. Ing.  Take your littles to a nearby nursing home and sing carols for the inmates patients.  The sick and the elderly will feel so much better for the smiles your littles will put on their faces.  A gift in itself.  Our local colleges also offer free symphony concerts throughout the year, and December always brings out the Christmas music.  Your local library will certainly be holding story times and activities that are holiday-oriented.  You don’t have to spend a fortune to give your littles some fun and get out of the house before January hits and the Truly Bad Weather sets in.

Cabin fever is bad enough.  Let’s not let it sneak in too early.

Love wins,

KT

Story Time: ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas

Story Time: The Night Before Christmas - Crafts and Activities to go with the picture book

It’s Christmastime!!  Everybody loves this time of year.  Or hates it.  Depending on whether they are at home enjoying their own Christmas tree, mugs of cocoa, and family, or they are out shopping.

People shop all year.  We all have things we need to pick up week to week–food, supplies, clothing.  So what is it about shopping for Christmas that makes some put on their Belligerent Hats and shove through like nutcases?  I suppose we’ll never know.  I’ve always thought shopping for gifts should bring out the best in people, not the worst.  So when I am out this time of year, I put on my biggest smile, and even when someone accidentally-on-purpose heels me with his or her cart for some imagined slight, I offer kind words.  I may not think them, but I speak them.  You know what a big believer I am in paying it forward.

It always makes my experience a little bit better, being kind in the face of all that irritation.  Hopefully, it makes the experience of those who come in contact with me better, too.  I am, after all, an optimist.

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